The Hunger, I mean, HOUSING Games...

Hello luvs,

Well… I’m back. One week blog commitment success! (I feel like this is an AA meeting… one week chip attained! Thanks for sticking with me THIS long!) BUT, again, don’t get too attached… Seriously, this blog could derail at any moment… First sign that I may actually have a social life, and I will ditch this like no tomorrow! But TILL then….. grab your cup of tea, my dears, and pull up a chair!

So…First week of school… success. AND, I just moved into my new place... SUCCESS. You don’t even know… But you will :) Overall, this has been a VERY productive week, if I may say so myself. Therefore, on that note, I will begin today’s spiel…

Today’s lesson, ladies and gents, is on housing. NYC housing, to be specific. Dante once defined the 9 circles of hell but SOMEHOW, silly fellow, forgot to mention the 10^th circle: the NY apartment hunt /fandango/debacle. Odd, isn’t it? MY theory is that he simply didn’t venture far enough into hell to discover the wonderfully dysfunctional web of a mess that is NYC apartment hunting, OR maybe Virgil and that river guide chap were just like, “NO. No, good sir. To HERE and that is IT.” Dante: “But, but… why?? I’m supposed to journey through ALL levels of hell. Remember... I’m on a divine mission!!” “NO. Just. NO.” (Way to be firm Virgil, way to be firm.) HOWEVER, by doing so, and as an unintended consequence of your good intentions, you deprived the REST of us of prior knowledge of the 10^th circle of hell… which, logically, combines the 9 preceding circles into one. Ding ding ding! You have hit the jackpot at the 10^th circle, and may all of your wildest nightmares come true! Limbo. Check. Greed? Check. Violence, fraud, TREACHERY?? Check, check, check! Any and/or ALL of the above are fair game in the NYC housing games. If you’re lucky, you will only encounter a few. If not, well, again… buckle up and enjoy the ride! In attempts to clarify the issue at hand, I have taken it upon myself to update Dante’s Inferno… So, here we go... Dante’s Inferno-UNabridged… Tips and updates for the in the dark commoner.

To begin, there are TWO types of apt searches… 1: Through a “broker”- aka the “devil’s advocate,” or 2: The individual route- you might sign away your first born, but hey, at least you didn’t pay a brokers fee.

Elaboration

Option 1

NYC takes what I call the “American” stance on the housing issue by INISTING on being different (a la the metric system and “soccer”), and instead of just allowing people to rent apts like they do EVERYWHERE else, NYC realty has managed to create a maze of events that comprise the apt application and attainment process. If you have a money tree (which is ironic in itself, since WHERE in NYC does anyone have a backyard to grow a money tree??, but more on that later), AND make 40X the rent, AND can produce 26 paystubs showing you’ve been employed since the age of 12, AND have a credit score that makes even MINE look gnarly, (VERY hard to do, btw), oh AND can pay your “broker” an arm and a leg for their “services,” (essentially doing a job YOU could do if they allowed you to, like in ANY other city??),  then by ALL means, you have found your route!

Involves: Limbo, greed, fraud, treachery

IF that ISN’T you…

Option 2

Most likely… you will find yourself on craigslist. Looking for a sublet. Where you will still sign away your soul, but in a less legit, yet civilized manner. Now, before you judge and head for your nearest neighborhood broker, let me tell you that I have ALWAYS apt/roomie hunted on craigslist and have NEVER had any issues. ACTUALLY, I have made really great friends that way and therefore did not blink twice before craigslisting for a NYC roomie.

Involves: Limbo, greed, fraud, possible violence (depending on the neighborhood). Oh, and certain craigslisters are getting above themselves and developing broker-like tendencies, demanding paystubs, fist/last and all months in between’s rent… shiz of that sort. I am no hobo, by any means, but as a STUDENT, NO I am not making 40 bajjilion X the rent and you frown upon my out of state employment, so by DEFAULT, I am with the masses on this one.

As you have now learned, conquering the apt hunt, just in its most BASIC element of LOCATING an apt, can be a task of epic proportions. Well, you might say, that was one hell of a ride. Glad it’s over, and now you can move into your lovely NYC apt and live happily ever after! LIES. Lies I tell you. Now that you have found your broker, or gotten people to actually respond to your craigslist emails, the ultimate task awaits… Would you like to live in a closet or a bomb shelter? 

  Deception.. SJP how dare you... NO one ACTUALLY lives like this.

New York Apt Selling Points (Advertised)

·         -Near trains- Logically, you THINK, this would be a plus. The question is HOW near? When people tell you that you “can’t really” hear the above ground train outside your room… WAIT 5 minutes. A train will pass, and you can watch them eat their words.

·         -Rooftop access- WHY? It’s so efffing cold! There isn’t anything up there anyway but a roof. Oh, let’s all gather and stare at the OTHER rooftops in the neighborhood. Maybe have a “roof-off?” My roof’s better than yours? Idk

·         -Backyard access- Now THIS is the “loosest” term of “backyard” you will ever encounter. Backyard COULD mean a patch of grass with little weeds/shrubs and discarded furniture in the 4x4 space (if you’re lucky), but most likely it is just a door from the basement that leads to a patch of concrete. AKA a blacktop that you will pay for but never use. There is NEVER a tree.

·         -Exposed Brick – REALLY? Isn’t that DANGEROUS?? I feel like that should be looked at... but I KID you not, I had people tell me an apt was WORTH more because of the “exposed” brick. Maybe so. In that case… can we cover it up with a sheet and you charge me $100 less??

·         -Pre-war building- Oooh sounds fancy, right? NO. Run. Pre- war is a nice way of saying it’s old and you’ll be walking up ten flights of stairs. Unless it’s renovated. Then you MIGHT have stumbled upon a hidden gem.

·         -“Up and Coming"- LOLLL… THIS one has proven to be a lot of fun. Tell me more about how boondock BUSHWICK is really E WILLIAMSBURG!? Oh, you can’t? Because it’s NOT! “Up and coming” my BEHIND, and in fact, that is usually code for crappy with a slight possibility of being shot. Evidently EVERY neighborhood is “up and coming” in NYC… Just wait 10 years for it to arrive.

·         -OWN room- ???!?!?!?!?! As opposed tooooooo???!

The people above CHASE... Yeah, I'm sure they don't hear the train.

New York Apt Selling Points (Actual)

·         -Near trains-  BUT, not too near that you can hear them.

·         -Laundry in building!!

·         -ELEVATORS- Oh dear God, WHY isn’t this a necessity? Really? A 5 floor walkup??

·         -WINDOWS- I don’t know. I just can’t explain this one. I didn’t know they made apartments without windows till I came to NY. 
          -ACTUAL “Up and Coming”- FO REALS. If you find this, grab it! Just say YES! Don’t fall back into the limbo/audition spectrum of apt hunting. They want you, you want them…? Just take it!

·         -Separate Kitchen/Living areas- I have dubbed this kitchen/living room combo the “kitching room” because it is clearly NYC’s preferred method of interior design. (And apparently Bloomberg is making WHOLE apt complexes without kitchens period?!? WHAT? Ugh.) On the upside, if you have an inclination for sautéing onions whilst sitting on your living room couch… NYC is the place for you.

·         -Anything under $1000

·         -Hallways- I know. I’m weird. No one else gets it either. But there’s just something sexy about a nice hallway. What can I say.

·         AND
-Finding roomies that aren’t HOARDERS- Evidently everyone in NYC likes to collect tons of shiz and keep it ALL in their apts. Their VERY TINY apts. Don’t worry, I prepared myself mentally... Ok. Ikea makes living in 100 sq feet look cool, I can do this. NOPE. NOPE. NYC has proven me wrong again. People here like their shiz and would like you to move in with them and add to it. Wallow in their old newspaper clippings and pile onto their pile of dishes in their kitching room. Welcome one and all.

IKEA- VERY nice... Living room/bedroom/kitchen/office?? Nicely played

WTFFFFF... Kitching room/library/WTF. I'm sorry. You're doing it wrong.

Exhale. End of spiel.

                                                      

For those of you who stayed for the whole debacle, hopefully you are looking around your wide/spacious kitchen AND living room-ed humble abode, and are relishing in a moment of silence, appreciating all that you have. I envy you. (Especially if you have a hallway.) But what can I say… Dante and Virgil are somewhere suffering in the 10^th circle of hell, and justice has been served. That being said... I did end up finding an amazing space with a MAJORITY of the things I wanted. Hey, you can’t have everything, right? BUT, best of all, on the down-low… between you and I… rumor has it that the neighborhood is “up and coming” ;) 

Now THAT'S one SEXY hallway

 

Till next time my dears!

<3

A southern, west-coaster, in the northeast

 

P.S- Shout out to my soul mate whose birthday it is today! Happy bday luv and may you forever only experience luxury style living, with all of the amenities your heart desires :) MWUAH xx

 AND
Thank you Dor for helping me “move”… couldn’t have done it without you! Four flights of stairs later and we’re still friends… true friendship! PIVOT.

Videos of the week:

What I felt like apt hunting... aside from the sexual references… Yeah, ok, mostly just the thrift shop theme:

(but HOW catchy is this song?!)

 And something of actual relevance:

 

New Amsterdam... Here we go